I was so very excited to write this blog as God clearly nudged along the way!
My thinking is much like the ticker that goes round and round on my Life game when I was a kid. I loved that game did you?
Yeah, I was an only child so having a friend over who I could play a game with was a treat. Remember how the ticker would go slow, or fast and slow and then go tick. Tick. Tick. .....Re..aaallll-y slowwww....... . . Maybe it would pause over one of the little teeth and sway baaaacck ....Until it stopp.ppp eeed.
That illustrates my feelings, thoughts lately. Tick. Tick. Tick... then stop. Where she stops nobody knows... (The girl smiles).
Many times it's the memories I have, sometimes good, sometimes bad...Sometimes I miss my dad and sometimes I'm very mad at him and feel a bit rejected...But then?
I remember the messages from Heaven and that things are cleared up on Dad's side and It's me, over here on this green earth where thoughts are muddled... It's that tick. Tick. Tick.
There are still days I can't believe how things ended. If I did not have God Who I trust in, I'm not quite sure what I would do and how I would ultimately feel or be able to handle things.
I do know this: God is Just. Oh friends, He is so very Just. As my Italian grandma used to say...You do good and don't worry about the rest. You just do good. Whether she knew it or not that was God's way. I also think God protects through what may appear as something bad.....or UNjust. Oh trust me, I have more than one story of how God protected in this most horrible and unjust situation involving my father.
Allow me to say on just one particular account there is a criminal who was huge in my father's destruction in more ways than one, who is probably quite miffed at this time. Thanks to God for putting something in my dad's heart to do more then several years ago. That is the way God is.
There are other things that happened that seem unfair that the criminal will have to live with now but we know all things will one day be exposed. One thing I have to live with knowing is that the criminal hoodlum family is living in my father's house and it is very difficult for me to think of my little girl's photos in that house along with handwritten letters by my girls and myself that even included my drawings that I would illustrate my letters with....The sweet times we once had there once upon a time. There is no telling what sentimental items that are in that house. Frightening and heartbreaking.
But ...God's got this. The girl will be strong.
God is just. We can rest in that. ...And oh friends do know, I do rest in that. God gives that Peace that passes all understanding but there is also a grief that happens when we lose someone who maybe didn't always do things God's way, they hurt us at times, but also showed us love at times, and it was a very precious thing when they did and that was many times.
On with my story...
Jem and I were riding through the city last Sunday and we were listening to music in the car...We both love music and I love to look at the clouds while listening to our music. When I see the clouds I see God and I see Heaven...
On a Sunday it's especially poignant...It's like a beautiful, peaceful sermon illustration that ministers to the Spirit in non-words. You see...God is everywhere if we will just notice. If we will just notice. I'm afraid with all of the devices people stare into that they are not noticing anymore... It's frightening and I think it rips us off from life. Life. Life, like that game that goes tick. Tick. Tick.
Jem is a musician...He can play guitar, drums, flute...He used to play in the same venue with Christopher Cross before Cross became famous. Jem laughs, I never even knew that guy could sing.
Now? Jem plays for pleasure and is your local businessman in oldtown who will treat you like family.
All that to say, the following song by Ringo Starr came on in the car as I gazed at the clouds and this photo below flashed before the theatre of my mind...
Every time I see your face it reminds me of the places we used to go. But
all I've got is a photograph And I realize you're not coming back anymore...
Yes, this exact photo just popped up in my mind and heart as the spinner slowly ticked to a stop. The ticker has been stopped here at this photo since last Sunday. This exact photo. Tick...sway...Tick...
The song? Here it is...Photograph. Please take a listen.
Look at the date: 17 Mar 64. I was all of three years old. Here we are in March of 2018.
This little yellow dress had white pockets; one with Yogi Bear, and the other with Huckleberry hound dog. : )
More Photographs.
My first week home in my Daddy's arms.
The waterfront where my dad rented boat slips and owned a marine Gulf gas station for boats and cars. Mother and I would come on over after church on Sunday as you can see here. This must have been on Easter Sunday.
Mr. Tscheske and Daddy at his Gulf marine gas station there on the pier on the bay...My dad could be such a character...
At home.
My birthday at the channel 13 studio at the Kitterick show. The little boy is Timmy, one of my dad's army buddy's son. Timmy had a G.I. Joe doll...G.I. Joe had a scar, I remember...Not at all like my dolls, but I enjoyed playing with Tommy. Daddy is dressed in his suit, pipe in his mouth, and me in my red jumper.
Me in my pale yellow and white room...after some large event, maybe the ice capades? late one night. My mother had made this pink velvet jumper for me. The little bear plaque behind my bed? My dad made those for my nursery with a jigsaw and decals my mother had bought, he said it was heck to cut those little details out! The little bear design was placed on my nursery lamp as well. So darling. I was fascinated by that balloon, I just loved it.
It was just a few years ago, Daddy said I was his darling...
Photograph. Every time I see your face...
I'll leave you with one more last song as follows.
And please know I have forgiveness in my heart although I have been through pain. If you have had pain in your life, you too can have the freedom of forgiveness. God is Just. He is Faithful. He will be your Father when you feel abandoned and corruption is rampant.
You may even feel judged by some as you've chosen to stay quiet on things. Even... Jesus said nothing. -Mark 15:5. ...Much to Pilate's surprise and amazement.
...And with His hand He'll wipe away the tears that stain our eyes.
...Sometimes it captures my heart and carries me far away...Beyond the skies....Beyond all Telling Our Father Himself will be our Light.
There is Peace in that. It's a sweet freedom. No matter how much the world and memories may tick, He'll bring beauty..
I hope I can use my talent of the recent suffering and pain through grief to share and encourage others that you may live in Peace. The world and memories may tick but we can still go on in His Peace with a sweet smile and heart as we mind our own business, taking care of our homes being faithful in the now.
After I posted this music video, I noticed it was shot in Galveston. God sure knows what He is doing.
Sometimes it captures my heart...and carries me far away.......................................
Have a wonderful day, loves, Amelia in the Forest
This is a photo of my mom and dad probably around 1953 or so?
Edit March 9:
Bearing the burden of crushing weight actually gives Christians wings.
-Streams in the Desert daily devotional.
17 comments:
Oh Mom... this brought tears to my eyes. The lyrics to that Ringo Starr song and the pictures capturing some incredibly sweet memories. My heart strings are tugged as the sober reminder of his loss bears down. Reminding me of kissing his forehead as I said goodbye to him in that hospital bed. Tears are streaming down my face now.
That Fernando song is so beautiful as well...
I'm also reminded that we do not grieve as those with no hope. We will see Grandpa again. And we can joy that he is in a better place. And know that he does see clearly now... even if a bit late for us.
2 Corinthians 1 is also such a great comfort that as we endure pain, we are comforted of God... and can henceforth help others in pain as well. It is incredible how God works in that way. But it is so very true... we we definitely see that.
With Love & Hugs, Lea
Dear Lea,
Yes. "I'm also reminded that we do not grieve as those with no hope. We will see Grandpa again. And we can joy that he is in a better place. And know that he does see clearly now... even if a bit late for us."
This is so true, and I just heard Anne Graham Lotz say this exact same at her father's funeral last week. Yes, we grieve because we miss a loved one but we know where they are and as you wrote...even if a bit late for us. The entire last several years have been rather traumatic and very difficult to articulate with wisdom.
There is no grief wasted in this life, as yes, we can be sensitive to others and know what to do and what not to ignore. This is why Frederick Buechner writes this grief or suffering is somewhat of a talent to share, to do something with! : )
xxoo mom
You express yourself so very well. These writings will help you get through the grieving process. I am sorry for your hurting heart.
When I first began reading your blog a few years ago, I never dreamed that someday I would buy a house with my own "Forest Cathedral" just steps from our back porch!
What a beautiful post. God is indeed just and good.
I loved seeing these old photos and getting a little glimpse into your childhood. Thinking back on the years is always so emotional! It's bitter sweet.❤ Thanks for sharing with us all. So glad we can rejoice in the fact the we will get to see grandpa again someday!
Thank you so, so much Barbara.
Isn't it nice having a natural 'Forest Cathedral'?
Awww... Thank you Michelle. I remember Grandpa coming over when you were a little toddler and you were sleeping. He looked down at you and smiled and stroked your golden hair so lovingly.
Yes, it is such a huge comfort that we will see Grandpa again, oh such a comfort! I miss him when I remember how thing used to be even at times up until a few years ago and what could have been. God is with us. <3
Last time I listened to that song it did not make me cry -- this time it did!! I still think a lot about Grandpa too, and that it is sad that we were not able to enjoy him more in his late years. Those are such sweet pics though... what precious memories. I remember Grandpa, before he moved away and got preoccupied, letting me drive his old yellow truck down country roads when I was all of about 8 years old... or the time he let me give him a hair cut at about the same age... and the hair cut looked like an 8 year old had done it! He had a fun and uncanny knack for living life with wild abandon in those ways... funny though, not in other ways -- like where he lived and that particular comfort zone. It is sad how it ended... but how sweet to know that we will see him again and get to spend all of eternity together and make new memories in Heaven. That takes away the sting (as promised).. but sometime there is still a dull ache as we miss him.
We miss him this Easter, we grieve for what should have been; but we rejoice in these sweet memories and knowing that we will see him again. Lovely post. <3 And I'm so thankful to the Lord for protecting you via the diligent secretary.
Marianna, What lovely and sweet thoughts here. I remember him letting you drive his truck (with him next to you) : ) He later shared with me the life he saw in your eyes as you were experiencing this new thing! Yes, the haircut too. His barber said..."Hey Tonie, your granddaughters cutting your hair again?" There were 'waves'lines cut in his hair! He didn't mind a bit!
My thoughts were truly with Grandpa, Daddy this Easter.
Thanks so much Marianna for sharing these precious, precious thoughts. This makes the blog here so much more special.
xxoo
Tears...
Hugs...
Your words were felt.
Thank you so much Christine. I appreciate you. <3
Oh my goodness... this entry touches my heart and again, brings tears to my eyes. How very sad. What sweet, precious memories those pics must bring back. What a different time. So beautiful and cherished. Gpa was so handsome (and I love the way they would wear suits so often back then). Thank you for posting these pics.... they are beautiful reminders of some very precious times, I know. I really enjoyed seeing them again.
And yes, I know that Ringo song well. I think I've switched the station before when it came on because it is so sad. And I too am reminded of saying goodbye to him in the hospital in the midst of many, many tears.
I remember a little over two years ago, saying goodbye in the hospital. My heart was so heavy and sad. I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him - he said he loved me too. He went in and out during that time in the hospital but he definitely knew we were there and I sure hope he felt loved. Such a heartbreaking time. But I believe he is truly in a much better place now. What a comfort that is. Thank you again for sharing your heart, Mom. Praying for you and sending a big hug. Love you very much <3
Yes Lea, Grandpa had a way about him. He had that elegance and the manners of that military school captain. His family valued education and classical things. On the other hand he had quite a sense of humor and was just shockingly hilarious in the things he would do and create as in designing the reproduction canon he would shoot things out of. *eh hem* He had culture, he had humor, he had sensitivity and he was a romantic who always seemed to have that hole in his heart that many times just was not filled in some strange way what he was looking for, I often wonder if it's not the loss of his mother when he was a little boy. He was man enough to cry at times too... He was giving and sensitive but could be a toot too. *big smile* Unfortunately that tootism and that other side seemed to really take root in the end and it broke our hearts. He would have been in such good hands with all of us. Even grandma, the wife of his youth in her typical sweet forgiving way offered a room for him to convalesce in as she would care for him.
Yes, me too Lea, the last words were that I loved him. And he barely was able to whisper..."I love you too babe". It makes me cry. Heartbreaking....Just. Heartbreaking. Even the nurses at the hospital knew exactly what was up and had tears in their eyes when they met us, we didn't even have power of attorney and I felt so helpless, so very helpless.
Well, everytime I see a cardinal, it crosses my path and the pair of the red bird and yellow bird singing their little hearts out to me through the bedroom window, yes, I think of my dad. Many, many signs from God.
God is with us, He is merciful and I know that Daddy would not want us to hold anything against him on ill will he intended through deception. God showed me clear as a bell several days after Grandpa died. Daddy laid in that far away hospital for quite a while, thinking about things I'm sure but what could he do? So tragic, so very tragic.
Your prayers are so appreciated and needed in these times. Oh the theatre of my mind... God is faithful and He is just. Much love, Mom
Wonderful post. It is so sad to see those old photos of grandpa but also very special that you have those. He was so young and handsome. That photo from the beach is really neat with the date written in the sand, crazy how long ago it was but also not very long ago at all. It is very sad that things didn't end better. Very touching lyrics that go perfectly with the photos ����
Those were supposed to be emojis at the end but I guess they don't show up in this format :(
Rebecca, So sweet that you took the time to come by and comment about Grandpa...He was such a handsome, intelligent and creative man, sensitive with a sense of humor to boot. I was so proud of both of my parents when I was a little girl, just so very proud of them. Oh that his life could have been victorious in the end, they could have been so much better at every angle. Oh the deceiver is out there. It's a lesson for all.
Yes, he loved photography and movie making too. I'm sure he talked with the Lord about things as he lay in the hospital, in God's mercy we were able to see him too and also prayed with him and talked with him about the important things... It's very, very, very painful but I know there is that Hope set before us, and I know Grandpa saw that Hope, God and His son, Jesus in Heaven in the end as God ministered to him. Just goes to show that the enemy can take many forms to discourage, even in a very corrupt preacher's wife, we must keep our eyes on the Father. He sees all and knows all.
The lyrics? Yes. So, so so perfect... God is with us.
Very special blogpost. So beautiful ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much Marianna, so, so sweet of you to revisit and comment. xo
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