It's been a difficult time and sometimes I feel confused in my own thoughts. I've had to deal with quite a bit lately on the death of my dad. I don't want this blog to be a sad sack of sorts but I'm a firm believer in opening my heart, 'Open a Vein'. so to speak, with discretion of course.
I have flashbacks of Daddy in the hospital the last time I saw him. He was restrained, his lips were chapped, Lea and I tried to cover his feet so he wouldn't be cold. I (silently frantic) ask the nurse with tears and furrowed brow...
Can we put some chapstick on his lips? He hates having chapped lips. I'm his daughter, I'm the same way....
He always had chapstick in his pocket. He always did.
You could have cut the emotion with a knife in that far away hospital room.
Daddy always kept chapstick near just like I do.
I am so glad I was at least that day able to care for him. Our daughter, Michelle was able to give him the little sponges with water on them.
The nurses said his vital signs were the best ever that day we were there. Now you tell me how one is to feel on that. I do believe it tells the tale in more ways than one. It touches my heart that in his last days his heart and soul knew we were there and taking true care of him. It makes me extremely sad because of the horrible and painful situation. If you are a new reader you would have to read the past few entries to see the sad, sad story on this.
Lately
I was watching a documentary on Harper Lee, author of 'To Kill a Mockingbird', the Documentary is on dvd and called 'Hey Boo: Harper Lee & To Kill a Mockingbird'
In the film, Harper Lee's older sister said that when their darling most handsome brother died, Harper's way of dealing with the grief was to stop writing and to paint. I so get that. It seems for the past two years at least I've felt very stilted with all that was happening. Very mixed emotions and my mind has been full of disappointments yet blessings. Confusion yet clarity. Bravery coupled with great fear. Sometimes joyful clarity sometimes sad clarity.
The midwife that delivered Rebecca, 23 years ago tells me after the delivery...You have a lot of inner strength. Boy do I believe her but I think I've been stretched to an overflowing point these days, it's done a number on me. One day I turned the water on in the kitchen and walked out. Perhaps I was turning the water on waiting for a warm temp. to treat our blind dog's eyes? I don't even know. Our daughter, Lea smiles and says...Mom. Mom. The water...
Yeah, I tell the girls and Jem, I'm doing the craziest things lately... I told Jem before bursting out in tears soon after the death, we were expecting company of all things. ...I'm not doing so well...
But. There are Gifts to be thankful for. ...And this makes all the difference in the world.
There are many, many things to be thankful for.
One thing that I thought was so sweet was our married daughter, Michelle (dark gold hat) and my son in love, Josh (light gold hat) had everyone over for James' birthday. James is my future son in love. He is the gentleman below in the dark gold party hat, he will marry Marianna in the green party hat. Lea is in the red hat and Rebecca is at work. She has no party hat. I smile as I am typing that Rebecca was working because Rebecca always seems to be at work when a pic is taken thus no party hat. ; )
These are our super sweet kids and bring things back to earth many a day. You tell me, how can these smiling faces not bring cheer?
On a day to day basis there will sometimes be a poignant but sad reminder...Marianna soon to be married, and I are at Walmart as she is having her satin fabric cut, I help a sweet grandpa find a roll of measuring tape in the plastic container roll like his little granddaughter's mom and dad have at home. He also grabs a pink bandana to match..He shares...She is "helping" her mom and dad install a new floor.
I tell him...You are a good grandpa.
It struck my heart and brought deep thoughts, memories. People around have no idea the innerworkings...the emotions, the private pain...
...Which made me think of the segment below in this sweet, sweet movie, Penny Serenade; the segment is between 1:34 and 1:49.
'Penny Serenade'. I love this movie so much. It reminds me of my mom and dad years ago when things were nice. Maybe this is a sweet Christmas in July piece as well.
Jem and I were driving home Sunday from Midtown and a plane flew overhead buzzing our car and I immediately think of Daddy. He flew planes like that.
I can remember just like it was yesterday as a very small little girl, small enough to be in a very small free standing baby-toddler swing outside with my mom pushing me. Back when I was very little, I remember seeing legs and skirts, maybe shoes from my view. My mother was wearing a very lovely cotton dress with a white background with kelly green vines with small primary colored bright flower print, the skirt was a gathered puffy one. She had white wedge backless sandals on. Up above a plane flies close over our house, a man's voice echos......Heeellllloooo! A jacketed arm is waving from the window way up there. It was Daddy. We still have the dress my mother was wearing, Rebecca uses it for photo shoots. Many memories flood the theatre of my mind.
This is Daddy just days before I was born. He is sitting here with his and mother's old longtime friends. This is his fun-loving side and I'm sure if you could see his pants pocket you would see that chapstick in it. He was probably discussing his adventures with Mr. and Mrs. Jeske. My mother must have been taking the photo.
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| Mrs. Jeske, my dad the Jeske's little girl |
Just plodding along here enjoying the Forest, a most special bright red cardinal, good natured sparring with Jem, our great kids and fur angels and that small town all the while taking in preparations for a very sweet wedding, realizing the more I travel here on God's green earth the more I am a pilgrim and alien here.
"...I always was aware of an ethnic difference because we were Italians in a small southern town so we always felt like we were from Pluto."
-Adriana Trigiani from the documentary Hey Boo: Harper Lee & To Kill a Mockingbird
Good evening, loves, God bless you all. ~Amelia
3 comments:
Dearest Amelia, how touching about your father and the Chapstick! I do believe he knew you were there and caring for him and I am sure he really appreciated it. And please don't worry about posting your feelings and thoughts, even if they are sad, because you are sharing straight from your heart. I think it is good and important to not keep things inside, but rather to share, to let it out. Your rainbow photos are stunning! I love this old photo of your father!
I hope that posting this and giving yourself a chance to share your heart and feelings has helped you in some way. I went with my cousin last Tuesday to visit our respective father's graves (they are both buried in the same cemetery, they were war veterans). Even though my father passed away in August 1984, when I was just 27 years old, I still miss him.
Love and hugs to you, my cherished friend.
This is so very sweet! God bless you!
Beautiful post. As Linda said above, surely Grandpa knew that you loved him and were concerned about his comfort at that time. I know this has been a very hard time for you lately, and you are bearing it with grace and acceptance and that is precious. God sees all and knows all -- as you told us growing up so many times, sometimes it takes a very long time, but in the end justice in done, things are made right, when our hearts are ready to even pity the person. It was sound advice that's proved true to date. God will do that for you too. You are loved and very much taken care of by our Heavenly Father even if your dad failed you in that way so often. Love the rainbows and the cardinals. Thank you for being open here. Love you. <3
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